Apr 302014
See: http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/24-agonising-british-problems
- I’m still waiting for the first person to hold a door open for me.
- If I can’t hear you, you ain’t talking.
- “Gerroff”
- There’s actually a better way to deal with unexpected visitors. First take all your clothes off, and then invite them in. It works especially well with Jehovah Witnesses.
- “The button is not lighing up … we’re trapped. We’ll die in here. Slowly.” in an increasingly panicy voice.
- Tea? What’s that?
- But “well this is fun” is supposed to be the way to announce that you’re having the worst time of your life.
- Well that’s no way to make someone nervous.
- And thus, never choose a first choice mug.
- Don’t get annoyed; just use the cricket bat.
- Do people really do that?
- “Do you come equipped with a mute button?”
- Never experienced this. Possibly because I refuse to speak to machines.
- But “that’s interesting” is supposed to be sarcastic.
- Not at all. It’s a great opportunity to tell people endlessly about my fascination with serial killers.
- A sandwich connoisseur would never trust someone else to make the sandwich.
- You do surprise me.
- Actually, I practice my odd pained grimaces. It takes effort to get them just right.
- Of course!
- Not at all. See #4
- Who am I?
- It actually translates as “Thanks a bunch for using this infernal instrument to interrupt me and ask me your trivial question when I was doing something important.”
- And of course it should never be used unless blood is spurting.
- Actually it’s a great opportunity to bite their neck and suck their blood.