Humour – Page 2 – More Zonkyness

Trip To Penzance

Jun 082025

This is probably mostly of interest to my future self, but a couple of weeks ago I went for a few days to Penzance, and the trip down was by the Night Riviera (sleeper) :-

Taking a sleeper was … interesting, The first thing to note is that if you’re big then the corridor within the coach can be a wee bit claustrophobic. The cabins are also rather small but oddly not so claustrophobic. The bed is … well kind of narrow.

Funnily enough it was quite easy to sleep whilst the train was running; in fact I woke up when the train stopped. But for me it wasn’t restful and I arrived in need of sleep.

And you arrive at the wrong end of the day – 7:50 in the morning well before you can check-in to a hotel. That isn’t the fault of the train of course; if anything it is the fault of the hotels assuming that you will arrive later in the day.

The more interesting … or perhaps amusing journey was the return :-

This was a day journey … or rather three journeys – Penzance to Exeter (with a reserved seat), Exeter to Salisbury, and than Salisbury to Portsmouth. Just the standard long distance train journey that so happened to leave me without any platform wait long enough to get anything interesting to eat.

But even more amusing was the first leg of the journey – there was no 09:18 train; instead I caught a 9:11 train. And of course my seat reservation was for a fictional train; the seat was reserved for someone else who happily didn’t turn up.

But when I pay for a train ticket I expect it to be for one that actually exists. Similarly I don’t need a seat reservation for a fictional train.

Dear Esteemed Hoteliers

General, Humour 0 Comments

Jul 142024

Having just spent a couple of nights in a cheap hotel (which is my own choice so no complaints about that), I have a few suggestions with regards to hotels. Most of which would be cheap to implement, make life easier for both you and your guests.

Sure some will cost money, but still worth considering.

Beds

Beds are rather critical to what we’re there for – if anything that is the only reason we’re there. A place to sleep overnight without being squished into strange contortions in a car, or under a bush hoping it doesn’t rain.

You do fine with the beds themselves, but the bedding?

I’m sure how you make beds is very impressive at an exhibition and if you want to make an exhibition of how you make the beds, stick it in the fucking lobby.

I don’t want to struggle for half an hour to untangle the bedding to get into bed; in fact on my latest stay I just didn’t bother. I slept on top of the duvet with the addition of a few towels.

Just don’t tuck that shit in. It’ll save your staff time, and it’ll save your guests time.

“For Your Safety”

Oh please! We know that those window chains preventing them from opening far enough aren’t really for our safety. They’re a legal safety belt so that if someone does something really dumb like crawling through the window, you’re legally covered.

Replace the notice with “For our legal protection”, and allow us to unscrew the safety cable (“On your own head be it”). Most of your guests are adults and have been successfully dealing with the dangers of open windows for years; sometimes decades.

Nicotine Addicts

… don’t disappear in a cloud of smoke just because smoking is now prohibited in hotel rooms. And how many fire alarms have been triggered because vaping triggers ‘smoke’ alarms? Or by especially steamy showers?

Let’s face it, those smoke alarms are just a bit shit – they should be looking for smoke particles not all particles.

But ignoring that, making some sort of arrangements for nicotine addicts might well make sense – not only for those who are addicted, but also those who aren’t. Smokers usually exit the hotel and smoke somewhere on the ground floor which often seems to climb into hotel rooms. Certainly the room I was in caught the occasional whiff of smoke.

Give the smokers a balcony on every floor with an active ventilation system that ejects the smoke at roof level. More convenient for the smokers, and less nasty smells for the other residents. And a separate balcony for vapers; despite what you might think, vapers don’t necessarily enjoy cigarette smoke.

The British Islands Aren’t English

History, Humour, Politics 0 Comments

Feb 082023

Aeons (well perhaps not quite) an ancient Greek (not Ptolemy although he wrote it down on his map) rocked up on these misty islands and after overcoming the initial language barrier asked “Well, who are you”. “We’re the Prydain” replied his hosts.

And thus British Islands, overlooking the fact that Ireland was inhabited by a different branch of the Celts. Of course Ptolemy later used the names Hibernia and Albion, and an awful lot of wasted bits would be saved if those had stuck.

But for better or worse, it didn’t stick. But also it wasn’t the English who invented the term; it was widely used amongst geographers a thousand years before the Saxons invented England (to appease the Angles otherwise we’d be called Sexland).

But to those who like to gloss over 1,500 years of history, it can easily seem like a conspiracy to claim ownership by the English. Which tends to overlook that everyone has been trying to seize power over all the islands; and it was the Scottish who succeeded in the end.

But if we were to translate “British Islands” into modern English it would be “Celtic Islands”.

Who Is The Vegan Sausage Roll For?

General, Humour 0 Comments

Jan 012020

The vegan sausage roll. What is it made of? Given the logic of naming meat products (“Pork sausage”, “Beef sausage”, “Turkey sausage”, …), you would kind of expect it to be made out of vegans. Sorry … that’s a joke I keep making because I find it funny.

But who is the vegan sausage roll (and all meat-free meat products) really for? I’m no vegan, but I have been a vegetarian for over 30 years, and I say the vegan sausage roll is not really for vegans at all.

It’s not bad, but the best part of it is the pastry wrapped around that faux-meat. The faux-meat is too much like meat to be something that a vegan or vegetarian hankers after (except those who are newly converted). I’ve also just tried an incredible burger, and the results were quite similar – the burger was impressively meat-like, but frankly a spicy-bean burger is nicer (for me).

No, this stuff is for those who hanker after meat but want to limit their meat intake. Which is no bad thing, but can we at least start naming these thing properly? Apart from anything else, it’ll stop me making really bad jokes about meat products consisting of vegans.

Two Bridges

I’m P and I Taught Q Everything They Know

Humour, Politics 0 Comments

Aug 042018

There is now in the USA a bunch of conspiracy theory nuts called QAnon who are followers of the fictional mole within the “Deep State” called “Q”. They are of course all followers of Trump, and are all too quick to believe in some of the most inane political conspiracy theories :-

The “Deep State” is planning a coup to unseat Trump.
North Korea is a puppet state controlled by the CIA.
Certain members of the Democrat party have hired MS13 to murder rivals within the Democratic party.
The Mueller investigation is actually on Trump’s side and is secretly investigating child sex rings within the Democratic party.
Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and George Soros are trafficking children and are also planning a coup.
J.P. Morgan sank the Titanic.

They also believe that their source Q will eventually reveal the secrets of the universe.

It is clear that QAnon are deeply stupid and deeply ignorant people; in fact dangerously stupid and ignorant. One supporter when asked if they had any evidence that Q was for real, answered with a No, but added there was also no evidence that Q wasn’t real.

Which is itself evidence that at least one Q believer is dangerously stupid and ignorant. And it probably goes for the whole crew – after all believing the partial list of ridiculous conspiracy theories is evidence enough of stupidity.

And of course they’re all Trump supporters – you would have to be stupid to vote for someone against your own interests.

Of course Q is just a troll to expose just how stupid some Trump voters are, which I know because I taught Q everything they know; I’m P.

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